Emotions...

Have you ever just felt so many emotions at one time, and you just didn't know what to do or where to turn? 

Well yeah that's how I have been feeling here lately and some of those which include: 

Stressed 

Worried

Confused 

Sad

Happy

Excited

Also many more, it's just crazy when you become the adult and you have to make the decisions and do what you think is best.. When all your life mom did that for me.. 

I've been feeling stressed here, because I don't know what to do or where to go! 

Feeling worried is because I am worried about what others always think or say and I know I shouldn't but I do and that's my biggest mistake on my part I let what others say effect me way to much.. 

Confused comes in with everything, I feel I have my mind made up and then it's just like well no that's not what I want and then I don't know what I want so it makes it crazy.. 

Sad here because I really miss all my family and the close friends back in North Carolina, but I am trying to make the best life for us and the kids.. 

Happy because I am talking to you guys a lot and I get to hear about how everyone is and I love everyone! 

Excited here well because I am excited a lot of times for No reason at all.. I mean really little things make me excited.. 

All these emotions are coming in with that big ole battle I have been having forever now... 

Do I want to Stay in California, or Do I want to move back to North Carolina??

I know I know if I left it open to everyone they would tell me to move home all but Jeffrey and Carl they like us here but want us to be happy no matter if it's staying here or going home.. 

I kind of feel like I want my cake and I want to eat it too but I can't have both, so when I have to choose is when I become overwhelmed with all these emotions here.. 

I want to stay here in California, well because it's so new to us and it's like a Brand New beginning.. How often do you get a new start on things? Also because we have came a long way since we got here Six Months ago! We are getting more settled in and going to be able to afford a car hopefully soon and maybe our own place.. With the fact mom and I have to get a job.. 

Steven already has a job and he is waiting on a Promotion which will be a lot better for him and give him more hours and more money also.. But that's on hold because we haven't really made up our minds as to what we want to do... 

Well then there is going back to North Carolina, which that is totally awesome if I just think of coming back to see everyone we love and miss, but with that it also means, we have to spend all that money to get home which ever way we come back it will cost up no less then $3,000 that's enough to buy a car or a deposit on a house around here.. Just to get home and then Steven will be quitting his job and so all three of us will be coming home, with no job, no where to put all our stuff and no where to live (Although we know someone would let us stay with them probably) we don't want to do that to anyone so getting our own place would be what we wanted but no jobs equal no money!! 

My unemployment time is up I have no more money I can file until May or June I can try again but I don't know if I'll get it or not and I need a job by then!! 

So with all this being said, Steven, mom and I are still talking and trying to figure it all out.. We know and understand fully that everyone misses us and wants us back but we are trying to really work out the Pros and Cons on everything and really figure it out.. So please understand that.. 

We have also talked that maybe we just need to visit North Carolina and see everyone and spend some time together and all that good stuff and then come back here.. 

We want to get a place and have room for you all back there to be able to visit California and stay with us while your here, I know you all want to see California who doesn't.. It's beautiful here and so much nicer then how everyone has always made it out to be.. 

I also have big dreams, which I dream big but what the heck they could come true! I have dreams of being a Chef, a writer, and a Photographer.. Being here I am more willing in getting these things done then I am back home.. 

That's why figuring this out I have to get my act together and get done with school.. I hate that I'm not done yet, but I am going to get there and get it done.. It will be easier too when DannieLynn gets in school because, she'll be in school and I'll only need someone to watch one child and if mom was to get a job I could afford daycare or whatever just for Braxton..

I am a person that never wants to hurt or make anyone upset with me, so with that being said I understand if I go home Jeffrey and Carl will be up set, heck I'll be upset.. Terry and Lenny will be upset, Terry has been asking me what's wrong since I got boxes and started taking stuff out of the room... 

I also understand if we say that we want to stay that everyone in North Carolina will be up set with us and all that and this my friends is the BIGGEST reason I didn't want to tell anyone we were even talking about coming home!!

So here it is I am spilling my guts Truly and Honestly to EVERYONE that reads this.. You may comment you opinion or whatever you feel like saying, but just know it's so much easier for me to talk to you about it like this or something I am not good with speaking it I don't want to hurt anyone and I HATE to cry when I'm talking to someone!! 

I hope you all understand where I am coming from and if you don't I am truly sorry but I love you all and always will no matter what!! 

❤ Danielle